Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?Posted by dan at March 22, 2004 04:26 PMA: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.
Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?
A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.
Then there was the senator's clumsy attempt to declare himself America's ''second black president.'' Bill Clinton was at least canny enough to get himself anointed as the first black president by an actual black person, the novelist Toni Morrison, who declared that he displayed ''every trope of blackness: single-parent household, born poor, working-class, saxophone-playing, McDonald's-and-junk-food-loving boy from Arkansas.'' It's harder to pull that off when you're a Swiss finishing school boy from Massachusetts. Many's the night John and the other boys in his dorm would lie awake dreaming of their freedom as they murmured one of the traditional spirituals of their people: ''Swing by, sweet limousine, comin' for to carry me home.''
Bush and Powell Plan World War III
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"
Posted by: at March 23, 2004 01:31 AMTaking Up a Collection for the President
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
Posted by: at March 23, 2004 01:32 AMJohn Kerry Stump Speech
Good evening ladies and gentleman:
First of all I want to make this clear. George W. Bush misled us about weapons
of mass destruction in Iraq. When I voted to authorize force, I was actually
voting to threaten the use of force. When I voted for the $87 billion for Iraq
before I voted against it, I was voting to protest the plagiarizing George W.
Bush was doing to Bill Clinton's Iraq policies. You see, I remember that day
December 16, 1998 when Bill Clinton unilaterally bombed Iraq over weapons of
mass destruction. It was Operation Desert Fox. I remember it so well, because
even France didn't protest it. Speaking of foxes, have you seen my wife
TaRayZaaaa? Glad she was loaded before I married her. Anyway, I want to
recap for you where I was during Clinton's speech.
In the afternoon, I had one of the better Botox treatments I have ever had. I
had a pedicure, a $1000 haircut and then I worked on my Lurch impersonation in
the mirror. I then had big decisions to make. Should I pollute the ocean with
my middle class yacht, or go flying in my everyman's corporate jet? I had been
looking for that hole in the ozone layer for quite a while and I was in the
mood to burn some jet-fuel, so I went flying.
When I got back on the ground, Clinton was just starting his speech and I
listened on the radio.
Clinton said, "Saddam Hussein must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or
the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons."
I mentioned this to Ted Kennedy who I bumped into on his way to happy hour in
Chappaquidick and he said, "Uh, ah yeah it's about time he mentioned those
martini's of mass inebriation." A passerby asked, "Are you Senator Kennedy?"
and he responded "No, but I did get drunk at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
I then made it home, and heard Clinton say, "The hard fact is that so long as
Saddam remains in power, he threatens the well-being of his people, the peace
of his region, the security of the world."
Not bad. I called Michael Moore, but his chef said he had just reserved the
entire dining room of the Old Country Buffet for the filming of his new
autobiographical documentary "And You Thought Anna Nicole Smith Could Chow."
Clinton then said, "The best way to end that threat once and for all is with a
new Iraqi government -- a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors,
a government that respects the rights of its people."
I tried Al Gore on his cell phone knowing he was probably tweaking the Internet
he invented and was most likely not listening to Clinton's speech.
Al told me the best line was yet to come and he was proud that we had a leader
who was going to stick it to Saddam. He also said we were lucky that most of
the world and most importantly the media would never second guess a Democrat
for bombing a soverign country like Iraq. In fact, Al made a prediction that
even if a Republican were to bomb Iraq in the future over weapons of mass
destruction, we could say that Republican was lying and misleading the American
people and that might open the door for another Democrat to be president. The
French would back us for sure (they need the kickbacks from the oil for food
program) and, without question, the media would too. I put that prediction in
my back pocket and listened to Clinton finish his speech.
Clinton concluded about Saddam, "And mark my words, he will develop weapons of
mass destruction. He will deploy them, and he will use them."
I then dozed off and dreamt I was accepting the Democratic party nomination for
president. It was a weird dream. The Democratic convention was in Paris and I
was giving the speech in French......
*Clinton quotes courtesy of the transcript of his speech to the American people,
December 16, 1998 which can be found below...
http://www.newsmax.com/articles/?a=1998/12/17/70745
Posted by: John Edwards at July 7, 2004 01:34 PMJust released excerpts from four keynoters at the Democrat convention in Boston....
Sandy Burglar, uh Berger..."Yes, while President Clinton has a reputation for having his pants down, my reputation is to have my pants full. My socks full. My drawers full. Of documents. See as National Security Advisor, I was tasked on four different occasions to come up with a plan to stop al Qaeda. However, I thought if we attacked them, that would provoke them and they would just attack us back. Being a true McGovern-ite, I figured if we ignored the problem it would just go away. After all, I am an appeaser and am proud of it. Anyway when I inadvertently borrowed, copied, destroyed and stole documents from the National Archives, I was only trying to protect Hillary, so she could run in 2008. Oh and by the way, although I did not see Joe Wilson at the National Archives, I hear he is our next speaker....
http://daily.nysun.com/Repository/getmailfiles.asp?Style=OliveXLib:ArticleToMail&Type=text/html&Path=NYS/2004/07/23&ID=Ar01000
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=519&u=/ap/20040720/ap_on_re_us/sept__11_berger_probe_2&printer=1
Joe Wilson...."Hi there. As you all probably don't know, since the mainstream media hasn't reported it, I have been thoroughly discredited and wanted to give you all tips on how to make a quick million on a book deal, before the truth has an opportunity to come out. You see, when I went on my week long Bash Bush Book tour a while back, I told a few lies. First of all, I told everyone and I mean everyone, that my wife, CIA agent Valerie Plame...(ooooops does that count as a leak?) had nothing to do with me getting the job to go drink tea in Niger and see if Iraq was in the uranium market. Well it turns out the 9/11 commission found out that not only did my CIA agent wife (another leak?) recommend me for the job, they found the memo that she used to recommend me...Ooooops..I didn't know an undercover agent could issue a recommedation with her real name at the top of it. Oh well, thankfully, Mike Wallace and 60 Minutes and Chris Matthews and Softball won't do a correction, especially if it favors Bush. Oh and about that uranium in Niger, it seems Iraq did try to buy some. Even the French have confirmed it. Thankfully, I got my book published and did my Bash Bush Book tour before the truth could come out. Any of you want a ride in my new Jaguar? Come on, I got a hot deal on a limited edition Yellow(cake) one....
http://www.nationalreview.com/may/may200407121105.asp
Jimmy Carter...."Don't you just like this new sweater I have on? Boy I remember that energy crisis I guided us through like it was just yesterday. Don't you remember my astute leadership on that problem? I think we should all just wear a sweater to celebrate. Then there was the Iran hostage crisis. The real birthplace of militant Islam. I was so helpless I didn't know what to do. Thank God Ronald Reagan came along. And how about those double digit interest rates. Boy those were great for the economy. Oh, and I blame all of those problems on George Bush.
Bill Clinton...While I had my pants down in the oval office Islamacists and al Qaeda were attacking us all over the place..We had the first World Trade Center attack, Khobar Towers, the African embassies and the USS Cole. Thank God Richard Clarke says I was tough on terrorism because I think we used more force on the Branch Davidians and Elian Gonzalez than we ever used on Osama bin Laden. I just couldn't focus on Osama while I was trying to save my intern, uh my marriage. I had Sandy Burglar in charge and he was so scared of Osama he filled his pants....and about Iraq? They had WMD when I bombed them in 1998 and I have been told they got rid of them the day George Bush was inaugarated. Regarding ties between Iraq and al Qaeda. They had them when we indicted Osama (don't you just miss Janet Reno?) and they had them when we bombed that aspirin factory in Sudan. They must have renounced those ties when George Bush took office as well. Those Iraqi's are sneaky...
Trick Or Treat
Posted by: Mike Thune at October 21, 2004 01:25 PM